girltalk Blog
Yesterday we heard from pastor’s wife and mom Valori Maresco about the matter of video games in their home. Today, we listen in as another mom and pastor’s wife, Janis Shank, shares how she and her husband, Steve, parent their son through this issue.
We have had to face the issue of media games with our 15 year old son (technology had not sufficiently progressed for this to be a big issue with our two older sons or daughter). Here are some principles we have put in place to guide us in the use of Play Station 2 and on-line computer games (with people we know) in our home.
1. Priorities over privileges. The priorities we have stressed have been:
- spiritual growth
- study of God’s word and related books/topics
- participation in our local church
- joyful participation with family activities
- education (including music and sports)
- age appropriate work/chores/responsibilities
Only after these things are prioritized and practiced do we allow the “privilege” of video/computer games, for a limited amount of time, no more than 45 minutes on a given day (with a little more time allowed in the summer months or with a friend on a weekend). On many days there is simply not time remaining for him to play. The kitchen timer is set as a form of accountability.
2. Parental review. Dad has looked at the games, and critiqued them in areas of modesty, graphic depiction of violence, etc. Some games put a premium not only on violence, but graphic displays of it, emphasizing blood, gore, etc. We have chosen not to allow those games. However, some games, though they include shooting, do not seem to emphasize/dramatize the violence that other games do, and we have allowed them.
3. Moderation. Whether it is video games, sports, hobbies, time with friends, etc. we have attempted to use Scripture and the principle of “moderation in all things” as a guide, not allowing the popular trends of what culture accepts to dictate our decisions. Rather, we have asked the following questions of our son to help him look at heart issues:
- How important is participation in these games is to you?
- Do you prioritize them above essential things?
- Do they distract you, preoccupying your thoughts throughout the day?
If video games seem to dominate and animate his thoughts, even though he isn’t actually playing, we discuss idolatry and cravings in his heart and we attempt to help him see these things from the perspective of honoring God with his life, so he can learn to discern how his heart operates. And if needed, curtail the privilege.
Finally,
4. Dad is responsible. Mom just doesn’t quite understand the thrill of video games that depict hunting down an “enemy” and killing them! Dad seems to be more objective and tolerant of the interest these games create in a young son. What is in place, however, is my opportunity as the mom to communicate with dad my concerns, when I have them, about these games, priorities, potential for distraction for our son, content, and so on. Because I have full confidence that my husband is doing his best to evaluate these “games” objectively, keeping the biblical priority areas as true priorities in our son’s life first and foremost, I can leave these areas in his hands, though he has welcomed and asked for my perspective at any time along the way.
This is how we have chosen to handle media games. Our son is still in need of parental help and oversight and we have, on occasion, removed the privilege for any number of reasons stated above. Privileges removed can only be re-won by a pattern of growth displayed in our son’s life, for the pleasure and glory of God, and not simply to get the privilege of playing the game back
We watch this area of “interest” closely in our son’s life and he knows that these games are not areas he will be allowed to venture into unaccompanied by his parents.
Thank you Janis and Valori (and your husbands!) for your wisdom and example. May their thoughts provoke all of us to consider our own guidelines for our children’s “gaming” habits from a biblical perspective.
This week’s question is regarding an all-too-common issue confronted by parents today: video games...
Q. My boys love playing video games on their dad’s x-box—the sports games in particular. I prefer they play with toys that will develop their brains and imagination, so I limit the gaming as much as possible. Am I just being a mom who doesn’t get the whole male pre-occupation with video games, or is it not good for them?
A. To answer this question, we’ve called in some help!
First of all, we want to recommend a recent article by Dr. Al Mohler entitled “Video Games—The New ‘Playgrounds of the Self?’”, which offers both educational and challenging insight into the world of “gaming.” As parents it is vital that we be informed on issues related to our children’s physical and spiritual well-being so we can make wise decisions on their behalf. Hopefully, reading this article will help you do that.
But secondly, we have asked two moms and pastors wives—who between them have no fewer than eight boys—how they, following their husband’s leadership, have handled the issue of video games in their homes. Both of these families have been long-time friends of ours, and we have observed up-close for many years the godly fruit of their parenting in the lives of their children.
Today we’ll hear from Valori Maresco, mother of five boys ranging in age from one to sixteen. Here is what Valori says about their approach to video games in the home:
My husband Kenneth and I have always been on the same page regarding video games, so it hasn’t been something we’ve wrestled with as a couple, although we have had several talks with the boys! Up until last year, with boys aged 16, 15, 13, 6, and 1, we did not own any kind of video games that you hooked up to the television set (X-box, Play Station, or Game Cube). We did, however, have computer games and had to set guidelines for these. We preferred the computer games because there were more educational-type games available, although we did own some sports games and other fun games as well.
Our general practice with computer games was 1 - 2 hours on weekends only; no computer games during the school day. One of the reasons we limited play to weekends was because we found that one of our sons was having a hard time doing his school work whole-heartedly since he was distracted by his desire to play video games so badly when he was finished. It was apparent that his heart was too drawn to this form of entertainment! And we wanted him to cultivate more of a love for reading than video games.
For the last 2 or 3 years, all of our boys would put X-box on their Christmas list, but we always told them that we had decided that we weren’t going to buy them one, even though we did allow them to play a limited amount of video games with friends. It wasn’t that we were totally opposed to the games themselves as much as we were not wanting the constant lure and draw of these games in our home.
This past year, after my husband sought counsel from several respected friends, we bought the boys a Game Cube for Christmas. We felt the boys were in a place where they were able to follow our guidelines, without temptation, and all of them had become good and consistent readers.
We chose Game Cube over X-Box because it offers more child-friendly games (for our younger sons) as well as sports games. The X-box culture seemed more to focus more in the Mature games category. As we reviewed the games available on the different platforms, we did not want our boys going through the X-box section, and set clear guidelines for going into video game stores.
We still have the basic guidelines that we used with the computer games: no video games on school days for the older boys, and only 1 hour per day for each of them when they are allowed to play. Our younger son is sometimes allowed to play on a school day, but we try not to make that a daily practice so that it is not taking the place of what we feel are more fruitful activities, such as outdoor play, reading, spending time with the family, etc.
So, while we are not all out opposed to using certain video games as a low-priority form of entertainment, we do seek to limit their use in our home in order to keep them in their proper place. We have found that in doing this, they really have not become a big distraction to our boys.
Kenneth and Valori’s wise parenting has obviously served their children and promoted godliness in the home. Tomorrow we will be allowed to observe what “gaming” looks like in the home of Steve and Janis Shank. Stay tuned…
Whether or not we are suffering in the wake of Hurricane Katrina this week, author D.A. Carson points out that “The truth of the matter is that all we have to do is live long enough and we will suffer.” It’s not a question of “if” but merely of “when” we will suffer. Similarly, John Piper notes that: “We all will suffer; we all must suffer; and most American Christians are not prepared in mind or heart to believe or experience this.”
Just as the time to shore up the levies protecting the city of New Orleans was before the hurricane hit, so the ideal time for each of us to prepare for suffering is before its howling winds swirl around us.
So how do we prepare our minds and hearts to experience suffering? We must dig deep into God’s Word to shore up our spiritual foundations. And as an expression of His tender mercy, God has provided us with numerous helpful resources that expound His Word as it relates to suffering and applies these truths to our hearts. Here is our short list of the most excellent resources on this oft-neglected but desperately needed topic:
How Long O Lord: Reflections of Suffering and Evil
Besides my dad’s opinion that this is the best book on suffering available today, I’ll let a quote from this book by D.A. Carson serve as it’s endorsement “In the darkest night of the soul, Christians have something to hang onto that Job never knew. We know Christ crucified. Christians have learned that when there seems to be no other evidence of God’s love, they cannot escape the cross. ‘He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?’ (Rom. 8:32).”
When God Weeps: Why Our Sufferings Matter to the Almighty
From a life of intense personal suffering as a parapalegic, Joni Eareckson Tada along with co-author Steve Estes take us to the foot of the cross to view our own sufferings in light of the ultimate sacrifice of our Savior.
The Journal of Biblical Counseling
From our good friends at “The Journal” come two articles: “Exalting Pain? Ignoring Pain? What do we do with Suffering?” by Edward T. Welch (Vol. 12, No. 3, Spring 1994) which you can order by calling 800-318-2186, and “Counseling with Suffering People” by John Piper (Vol. 21, No. 2, Winter 2003), available on their website.
Finally, my personal favorite…
Beside Still Waters
When I was in the hospital following complications from giving birth to Jack, my dad came and read me passages from this amazing book. I still read it often and try to give it to as many suffering people as I know. It’s a challenge to have to pick just one quote to share with you, but I want to close with this one. For although trials and suffering are inevitable, Charles Spurgeon has helped me to see that from a biblical perspective they are also a blessing, because—
“Trials greatly enlarge the soul. Thus I do not want, in my better mind, to escape great trials, since they involve great graces. If my strength shall be as my days (Deut. 33:25), then let my days be long and dark, for my strength will be mighty, God will be glorified, and I will be blessed. I earnestly urge every tested Christian to dwell on this truth, for it may be a great comfort. There is love, immortal and unchanging love, in heaven toward you, which will never grow cold. You will be helped. God will sooner cease to be than cease to be faithful. Be of good courage, for today He will strengthen your heart.”
Whether you are in the midst of suffering from Hurricane Katrina, or preparing to meet your own personal hurricane someday, may you be of good courage, and may God strengthen your heart!
In response to my post last week where I passed on one mother’s suggestion for “blanket time,” our friend Tawn O’Connor sent in a wise caution from her own mother’s experience.
“Just a hint from my own mom’s experience. (She had ‘room time’ for my two brothers, similar to ‘blanket time.’) Don’t leave the timer within reaching distance of the child. When they got a little older, my brothers figured out how to set the timer ahead. Years later, when they finally confessed (post-college-age), Mom said, ‘So that’s why that hour went by so fast!’”
In credit to her mom, Tawn adds, “She was a smart mom—this was one of the extremely rare occasions when they managed to outwit her.” So for all you smart moms out there, be on guard, so that your own smart children don’t outwit you too!
On our bedroom wall hangs a framed poem written by Anne Bradstreet (ca. 1612-1672) entitled “To My Dear and Loving Husband.” I gave it to CJ on our 25th wedding anniversary. The first four lines in this poem are my favorite:
If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were lov’d by wife, then thee.
If ever wife was happy in a man,
Compare with me, ye women, if you can.
This past week a friend sent me another poem written by the same author. Anne Bradstreet penned this when she and her family lost everything in a house fire. In light of the massive loss that so many in our country are facing at present I thought it might be helpful for all of us to view our earthly homes and possessions through the lense of this godly woman’s biblical perspective.
VERSES UPON THE BURNING OF OUR HOUSE, JULY 18th, 1666
Anne Bradstreet
Here follows some verses upon the burning of our house, July. 18th. 1666. Copied out of a loose Paper.
1 In silent night when rest I took,
2 For sorrow near I did not look,
3 I waken’d was with thund’ring noise
4 And piteous shrieks of dreadful voice.
5 That fearful sound of “fire” and “fire,”
6 Let no man know is my Desire.
7 I starting up, the light did spy,
8 And to my God my heart did cry
9 To straighten me in my Distress
10 And not to leave me succourless.
11 Then coming out, behold a space
12 The flame consume my dwelling place.
13 And when I could no longer look,
14 I blest his grace that gave and took,
15 That laid my goods now in the dust.
16 Yea, so it was, and so ‘twas just.
17 It was his own; it was not mine.
18 Far be it that I should repine,
19 He might of all justly bereft
20 But yet sufficient for us left.
21 When by the Ruins oft I past
22 My sorrowing eyes aside did cast
23 And here and there the places spy
24 Where oft I sate and long did lie.
25 Here stood that Trunk, and there that chest,
26 There lay that store I counted best,
27 My pleasant things in ashes lie
28 And them behold no more shall I.
29 Under the roof no guest shall sit,
30 Nor at thy Table eat a bit.
31 No pleasant talk shall ‘ere be told
32 Nor things recounted done of old.
33 No Candle ‘ere shall shine in Thee,
34 Nor bridegroom’s voice ere heard shall be.
35 In silence ever shalt thou lie.
36 Adieu, Adieu, All’s Vanity.
37 Then straight I ‘gin my heart to chide:
38 And did thy wealth on earth abide,
39 Didst fix thy hope on mouldring dust,
40 The arm of flesh didst make thy trust?
41 Raise up thy thoughts above the sky
42 That dunghill mists away may fly.
43 Thou hast a house on high erect
44 Fram’d by that mighty Architect,
45 With glory richly furnished
46 Stands permanent, though this be fled.
47 It’s purchased and paid for too
48 By him who hath enough to do.
49 A price so vast as is unknown,
50 Yet by his gift is made thine own.
51 There’s wealth enough; I need no more.
52 Farewell, my self; farewell, my store.
53 The world no longer let me love;
54 My hope and Treasure lies above.
I’m back with yet another winner from our Friday Funnies contest! This entry comes to us from Kim Polk…
One day we were in the car and my 4yr old overheard me telling my husband that the Salvation Army was coming tomorrow to pick up our couch. JoJo said “Who is coming tomorrow?” I said the “Salvation Army” and he asked “Who are they?” Not thinking how the words Salvation Army sounded to a small child I simply said that they were coming to get our couch because we didn’t want it any more. He was quiet for a few moments and then in a timid voice said “Will they have guns?”
Have a great weekend, everyone.
As we promised earlier, you can now make an online donation to support hurricane relief at the Sovereign Grace Ministries website.
This has been a tragic and sobering week in New Orleans and the entire Gulf-Coast region. However, many articles have been written to help us “make sense of it all” from a biblical perspective. Here are two of the most helpful.
Justin Taylor links to what he considers “the best commentary yet to appear on Katrina” by Samuel Storms.
Al Mohler links to a moving article by Dr. Russell Moore whose town was destroyed by the hurricane.
Sovereign Grace Ministries is in the process of setting up a disaster relief fund where you can contribute to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Once a link is set up (later this afternoon) we will post that information.
Most importantly, let’s continue to keep all those suffering the effects of Hurricane Katrina in our prayers.
It’s that time of year again: Back to school. Of course, I’m not going back to school and my two-year old Jack isn’t quite ready yet (maybe next year?), but I still have the urge to post a new fall schedule on the refrigerator.
So when Kristin told me she’d received a list of ideas for entertaining toddlers from a mom in her church, I immediately said: “Send it to me!” (That was an imperative sentence for all those grammar buffs out there. That’s about all I remember from elementary grammar. I probably could use some remedial schooling!)
I can’t wait to turn this list (and other lists I’ve collected) into a brand-spanking new schedule for Jack. But I thought some of my fellow “moms of bored toddlers” might also appreciate these ideas. And I bet homeschooling moms with toddlers will appreciate them even more! So we’ve received permission from Elise Finch, who compiled this list, to allow us to post it here .
My love of “schedule” was deeply impressed upon me by my mother. I remember her often quoting Elisabeth Elliot, “God is a God of order.” And now that I am a mom, she often encourages me to strive for order in my home and with Jack. Having experienced the benefits, I’m eager to follow her advice.
“Children thrive in an environment where there is peace and order,” she’s told me. “They know what to expect and what is expected of them. Order, structure, schedule—all help you as the mom enforce the rules, because you know what the rules are and you’ve made them clear to your children. Order in the home teaches children that there are boundaries. It helps them develop self-control.”
Wise advice! But, as I’ve discovered, order doesn’t “just happen.” It can also very quickly “un-happen!” I have to plan, prepare, and persevere, if I want order to characterize my home. And I must confess here that order is probably not the first word that would pop into your head if you visited my home today! We just got new floors put in and don’t have closets yet. So my house is in a bit of disrepair! However, I continue to strive for order. And collecting ideas from other moms such as Elise is one of the keys to pursuing order in my home. With that in mind, I have to pass along one more idea that I learned from a wonderful, godly mom, Laurie Reyes. It’s the concept of “blanket time.”
“What is blanket time? It is a survival technique I employ for that time of the day when we all need a break from each other particularly helpful for post-nap-age children. Here’s how it works: Each of my children have a blanket that they spread on the floor in different rooms of the house. They each bring something to play with. This would include maybe legos, army men with blocks, puzzles, and adventure sets. In other words, they need to choose something that can keep them entertained for a while. I usually give them a crumb-free snack (fruit snacks, grapes, apples, cheerios), a spill proof sports bottle with H2O or juice, and maybe put on music if it is available in the room they chose. Blanket time lasts about an hour, but you may want to start shorter. (a timer/clock helps so they don’t keep asking, ‘is it over yet?’).”
Jack still takes a nap, but I’m keeping this idea in my back pocket! Most of all, I want to emulate Elise, Laurie, and many other moms I know in pursuing order and structure in my home for the glory of God. I pray that Jack will experience the peace that comes as a result.
On July 9, our dear friends Wayne and Margaret Grudem experienced a severe tragedy when their daughter-in-law Rachael—married to their son, Alexander—was killed instantly in a car crash.
A close friend of C.J.‘s, Wayne is the author of Systematic Theology: An Introduction to Biblical Doctrine
and a co-founder and fellow-board member of the Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.
C.J. attended the funeral, where he witnessed not only the deep grief and pain of the Grudem and Freeman families, but also their resolute trust in God’s sovereignty, wisdom, and goodness.
As our friend Justin Taylor posted yesterday, the funeral service was a deeply moving example of steadfast faith in God in the midst of extreme trial. Dr. Grudem has graciously permitted us to link to the audio of the funeral where you can hear both Dr. Grudem’s eulogy and the funeral sermon preached by Dr. John Piper.
We continue to grieve with and pray for Alexander, Wayne and Margaret, as well as all of Rachael’s family and friends, and we hope you will join us in praying for them as well.
“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.” 1 Thess. 4:13
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