girltalk Blog
Sharon wrote to ask:
What do you recommend to younger woman about getting an older woman to mentor her? I have a very broken relationship with my own mother, and feel like I have been starving my whole life for an older woman to come alongside me and mentor me.
This woman echoes a cry we have heard from countless young women through the years, and I pray this cry reaches the ears of many godly, older women in our churches.
For all of the young women who are so desperate for a spiritual mother, what can you do? What if you don’t know any godly, older, women? Or what if none of them seem to have the time or inclination to mentor you? Here are a few suggestions:
1. Pray and Trust. Ask God to fulfill this desire of your heart. After all, he put it there in the first place! Given remaining pride in our hearts, the fact that we are desperate for wisdom, discipleship, and exhortation is only the fruit of the Holy Spirit at work in our hearts. And God promises to fulfill all our desires for wisdom and righteousness (James 1:5, Matt. 5:6). He will generously provide.
2. Learn a little from a lot (of older women). While it would be wonderful to have a designated mentor, there aren’t always enough godly, older women to go around these days. So make all of the godly older women you know your mentors! Observe their strengths and ask each one if she would be willing to give you counsel at least one time in one area. Ask the prayer warrior to coffee so she can teach you how she prays. Ask the organized woman to come to your home one afternoon and give you some advice. See if the experienced babysitter, or the mother of disciplined school-age children, can come to the park with you and your unruly toddler and offer her counsel. Ask the woman with a strong marriage if she and her husband can spend an evening with you and your fiancé. Create your own personalized discipleship course by drawing on the godly character and experience of many women. Just imagine the wealth of wisdom you could amass in a short time!
3. Don’t waste an “older woman moment.” In other words, don’t despise or overlook even the smallest opportunity to learn from a godly, older woman. Maybe you are seated next to her at a friend’s house for dinner or you run into her in the hallway at church. You can learn life-changing truth in five minutes with a godly woman, so come prepared. Have a list of questions and whenever you have the chance ask a godly woman for a quick word of advice or encouragement. Or send her a short email or message her on Facebook or Twitter. For example, ask a godly woman what she is studying in her daily times in God’s Word, or how she would handle a parenting situation you are dealing with. Like paparazzi chasing a movie star, we should hound the older women in our churches for godly counsel.
4. Go secondhand shopping. Learn vicariously if you can’t learn directly. Ask the godly teenage girl what she appreciates about her mother. Ask your friend who has a godly mentor to share what she has learned from her about walking with God through suffering. Get parenting counsel from another mom who is getting godly counsel from an older woman. Ask any younger woman who has access to an older woman: What have you learned from so and so? What would so and so do in this situation? Like sheaves left in a field after harvest, there is much wisdom to be gleaned secondhand.
5. Be a bookworm. Even if there is a shortage of godly, older women in your church, we also live in an age with unprecedented access to the written word, and thus some of the greatest “older women” of all time. Every one of us can learn from Susannah Spurgeon or Sarah Edwards, Elisabeth Elliot or Nancy Wilson. And you can return to books again and again for wise counsel on godly womanhood. There is much more I could say here, but my friend Jodi Ware has already written a wonderful post on this topic, which I would encourage you to read.
6. Come to learn. Show an older woman that you value her time and her godly wisdom by asking genuine, thoughtful, open-ended questions. Come to her eager to learn and receive instruction, even course-correction at times, not merely validation or affirmation. It helps to plan your questions ahead of time, and avoid questions that are not really questions at all, but make it awkward for an older woman to share a different perspective. Remember, older women have a unique calling to teach us how to be godly women. Let’s make it easy for them to do just that.
7. Become an older woman. Take what you learn from godly, older woman and apply it. Be faithful in the small things, today. Sit at the Savior’s feet and serve others in the humble place God has called you. Sow now, so you can reap later. If you take to heart the wise counsel and biblical wisdom of women who fear the Lord, and apply what they teach, you will become a woman with proven character and a fruitful lifestyle. And God-willing, some day in the near future, a young woman won’t have to look too far for a godly older woman to mentor her, for you will be the mother who raised her or the spiritual mother who is right beside her all the way. May God raise up a generation of godly women to teach the younger women “what is good” (Titus 2:3).
Previous Posts in Series:
A Woman to Follow
Help Wanted: Older Woman to Serve as Reliable Guide
Whooping Cranes and a Culture of Womanhood
As promised, here are a few practical suggestions for how to prevent and handle public tantrums. Some may be more helpful than others, but these are a few ideas from Mom that have served my sisters and me with going on ten toddlers now.
1. Stay Home
Your child won’t throw a public tantrum if you are not out in public, right? In all seriousness, if a small child is frequently throwing public tantrums, this is a sign that he probably needs more consistent discipline and instruction at home.
This was always my mom’s wise advice when one of my children would start to disobey a lot in public: it was time to stay home for a while and focus on child training. I would clear my calendar of play dates, make arrangements to run errands after my kids went to bed, and except for church, hunker down for some focused child-training time. Often, after only a few days, I would begin to see dramatic improvement.
Being a mom means missing out on a lot so that we can give lots of attention to our children. But the sacrifice is worth it.
2. Train to go
While at home, we would train to go out. The idea is to choose a place or situation where your child most often disobeys, or where you most need her to obey. Then practice “church,” “grocery shopping,” “play dates,” “sit cheerfully,” or “time to go.”
For example, my sister Kristin trained her young boys to sit in their stroller or (when they got older) hold onto the stroller, by taking daily walks around the block. Another friend I know practiced “church” with her kids by having them sit quietly in chairs and listen to part of a sermon or sing a worship song. Or you can do a daily role-play of “time to go” where you practice and praise a cheerful, obedient, response to that command.
The more you require self-control and train to obey at home, the more likely you are to prevent public tantrums.
3. Prepare to go
Choose your time wisely – Avoid going out when your small child is especially hungry or tired. Now you may have to go to the grocery store for milk or attend a family wedding over what is usually nap time, but in general, think ahead so you can avoid creating unnecessarily tempting situations for your children.
Bring distractions – I always used to bring a snack from home for the kids to munch on at the grocery store, coloring for an evening church meeting, or toys to play with while I made a return. These are not bribes to elicit good behavior, but rather distractions to minimize temptation in the first place.
Talk to them – if your child is old enough to understand, explain what will happen and how you expect them to obey. For example: “We, are going to the park with your friends and then we will come home for lunch. When mommy says it is time to go, you are to come right away with a happy heart.” Then you can have them repeat it back to be sure they understand: “So what do you do when Mommy says time to go?”
4. Maintain authority
By keeping them contained – Keeping a child strapped in a stroller, cart, or high chair, or requiring them to hold your hand or sit in a chair teaches them self-control and obedience. It also alleviates all kinds of temptations that crop up when we allow children to run free in stores, restaurants, or meetings. My sisters and I found that consistent training and enforcement in this area eventually made it possible to take our children almost anywhere, and our children became happier and more contented as well.
By limiting commands – Pick your battles in public so you can be consistent in your authority. So, for example, it might not be wise to insist a two-year-old say “Hi” to a friend you meet in the store if you know they probably won’t comply and you can’t follow through.
And try distraction before instruction. So if a small child begins to get whiney, tell them a story or point out something fun instead of starting with “No whining.” Our goal: as much as possible to eliminate situations where our children can defy our authority without appropriate discipline.
By going home – My mom said that when we were little, she left many a grocery cart full of groceries and took us home, rather than give in to our demands. I remember I often had to leave playgroups or parks early if my son would not obey. Now of course we can’t always leave a public place early; but as much possible, we want to demonstrate to our children that they cannot get their own way by throwing a tantrum. Over time, they will get the point.
5. Don’t forget to laugh
Janelle once told me about a time she had to leave early from dinner at someone’s house because her daughter was throwing a tantrum. Janelle was being consistent to discipline at home, so she chose to laugh at herself and the situation—a great expression of humility and put the hosts at ease as well. And laughter helps to fight off despair. You are probably going to laugh about this tantrum someday. It will do your soul good to start now.
Oh, and one more thing—encourage, encourage, encourage when a child obeys in public. This will greatly increase incentive for a tantrum free next time!
None of this is easy, I know. Motherhood is hard work, and most of the time it is extremely hard work. There is no trick or formula for instantly eliminating public tantrums, and some kids will be more difficult to train than others. But the God who has blessed us with children and called us to teach and train them will give us grace to persevere and one day bring about the sweet fruit of self-control in their little lives. Let’s look to our Savior for help and hope as we persevere.
Related Posts:
Q&A: How Do You Handle Public Tantrums? Pt. 1
2013 at 2:20 pm | by Janelle Bradshaw
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52home
What qualifies someone as an older woman who teaches younger women? In other words, who are to be the teachers and who are to be the learners? The answer is important. If we get this mixed up, we will quickly get off course.
Chronological, or even spiritual age—the number of years she has been a Christian—does not necessarily make someone an “older” woman according to Scripture. In the context of Titus 2:3-5 (see also 1 Tim. 5:3-14, Heb. 13:7, Phil. 3:17 ), we can see that an older woman has proven character and a fruitful lifestyle.
These two litmus tests of the godly older woman highlight the inner character and the outward result of that character. They help us to discern if we are qualified to teach and who is qualified to teach us.
Proven character – Proof of genuine character requires time and tests. A woman must be a faithful Christian for some length of time and pass tests of faith that result in greater maturity and steadfastness (James 1:3-4). In the words of Titus 2, she is reverent and godly, and has self-control over her tongue and her body. She is not yet perfect, but she is proven.
This means an “older” woman may be quite young. A girl not yet twenty who has walked through the teenage years with purity, righteousness, and love for family and church may be an older woman to younger girls. Or a young pastor’s wife may be a godly example to older members of her husband’s congregation. An older woman need not have passed every test, only passed her tests well.
Fruitful lifestyle – To identify the godly older woman, look at those around her, starting with her family. Here is where the Bible starts (Titus 2:3-5, 1 Tim. 5:3-14). Is the woman faithful to her husband and children, to her parents and her home? Does she leave behind a lovely trail of sacrificial service in the church?
The godly older woman may have a wayward child or a difficult husband or spent hours counseling a woman who wanders from the faith. But she will also have abundant fruit in her marriage and parenting, and in the lives of the women she has counseled and served.
Last year, a prominent Christian magazine published an article entitled: “50 Women to Watch,” and it occurred to me that the fifty women to watch are probably the ones that nobody is watching (except maybe a small child or an elderly dependent or a grieving woman). The women to watch are probably serving in secret, which is why you often see the fruit of a godly woman’s life before you ever see her.
So we must be discerning. Just because a woman in our church has a compelling personality or a desire to teach other women, or just because a woman is a clever writer of books and blogs, we must not automatically assume she is a woman to follow. Take a closer look at her life. Consider the fruit.
Follow a woman you want to be like. Follow a fruitful woman.
Previous Posts in Series:
Help Wanted: Older Woman to Serve as Reliable Guide
Whooping Cranes and a Culture of Womanhood
2013 at 2:55 pm | by Janelle Bradshaw
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52home
52home
Barbara wrote in to say: I’d love to see a post on what you’d advise moms to do when their children have a public meltdown, whether it is an occasional or a chronic issue.
Aaahhh, the public meltdown. Every mother can take you to an exact time and place where she has wanted to melt into the floor. My eighty-plus-year-old grandma still loves to tell the story of when my dad, just a little guy, got hold of a fire extinguisher in the produce aisle. Hard to top that one.
I put this question to Mom and Janelle the other day and we all laughed, a little dryly. Some memories are funny, and for some of us, a little too fresh.
Better answers are probably out there, but here are a few thoughts we had, from our own experience and from other moms.
First of all, we need to step back and think about public tantrums biblically and objectively. In other words, if this is a tantrum emergency, simply evacuate the premises (with child of course), and read this later.
1. Our children, to put a fine theological point on it, are cute and corrupt. They are tempted, just as we are. And public places are wired with child-size temptations: stores filled with sweets, parks with empty swings, church with little friends. We shouldn’t be surprised when they sin, but we should plan accordingly.
2. Kids are smart. They know when they’ve got us where they want us. Even a little tyke can tell when Mommy is vulnerable, distracted, or powerless to stop them. And most children, in most cases, are going to take advantage of this opportunity. We need to be smarter.
3. A public meltdown is not the ultimate measure of our parenting. It is one of many data points by which we should honestly evaluate our parenting. It means we’ve still got work to do, but it doesn’t always mean we are failing to do that work. I know parents who are incredibly faithful, but whose child still throws a fit sometimes when they leave the park. Over time (even a lot of time!), a child who is being diligently trained at home will stop disobeying in public. So just because it doesn’t happen right away doesn’t necessarily mean you are doing it wrong.
4. On the other hand, if tantrums show no signs of abating, but are increasing in frequency and intensity, we must resist the temptation to be proud or defensive or pretend it isn’t happening. No one is served by an angry response or a “Don’t judge me!” retort. We have a problem and it needs to be dealt with. And we may need help from older, godly parents. Either way, we must take the long view.
5. We aren’t in this parenting thing to avoid embarrassment. Seasoned parents know better; they gave reputation up for loss many tantrums ago. Our goal is to train our children to walk in the ways of the Lord (Deut 6:4-9). Our job description is faithfulness (Gal. 6:9). Mom’s advice has always helped me keep a biblical perspective: “You should not be embarrassed if your child (a known sinner) publicly displays his or her sin. You should only be ‘embarrassed’ if you are not consistently training and disciplining them according to God’s Word.”
6. If our goal is to glorify God (and not just avoid humiliation), we will approach public situations as part of a broader parenting plan that is informed by God’s Word. We will consider how we can serve our children by eliminating unnecessary temptation. We will strategize in order to maintain our loving authority. We will also have an eye to serve others—fellow shoppers, church members, other moms and children—before ourselves.
7. Being objective and thinking biblically helps us keep our chin up and our heart humble. It also drives our strategy. We can prepare, avoid, and react to public tantrums in a way that honors God, trains our children, and serves others. A generous helping of how-to ideas to follow in the next post.
2013 at 3:41 pm | by Janelle Bradshaw
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Sunday night, Mike and I went to the movies with Steve and Nicole. (Big thanks to one amazing Mom-Mom for babysitting!) We pretended to be teenagers…well, I guess we are too old for that…let’s say we pretended to be in our twenties. We took stupid grainy pics of ourselves on our phones. We ate popcorn and candy and tried to keep ourselves awake past nine.
It was fun. It was rest. It was needed.
When the night was over we left our twenties at the theatre and returned home to our eight kids. Monday was almost here. Jobs to work, kids to care for, and homes to be tended.
Life is busy. It is good. We are grateful.
52home
Destination matters; not just how we feel along the way.
Take the whooping cranes, for example. A lone whooping crane, or batch of inexperienced flyers, may enjoy the breeze and the scenery every bit as much as the whoopers who follow an older bird, but they all have to land some time. And it matters where they touch down.
“So what is our destination?” we may well ask. What is the end goal of older women teaching younger women?
Faith. Patience. Love. Purity. Steadfastness. Progress. (Heb 13.7, 2 Tim. 3:10, 1 Tim. 4:12-15)
That the word of God may not be reviled. (Tit. 2:5)
That we may adorn the doctrine of God our Savior. (Tit. 2:10)
We are to imitate and follow godly women so we might reach Destination Godliness.
But if we are honest, we sometimes want more sympathy than steadfastness out of discipleship. We prefer more understanding, less exhortation. A little more comfort and a little less correction.
So we tend to drift toward the “What you? Me too!” friend who makes us feel OK about our shortcomings. We prefer friends who can relate to our struggles, who are “real” about their faults. But we may keep our distance—and even judge—the woman who seems godlier, more “together” (we say, a tad derisively) than we are.
We may like to talk, even debate, serious theology, but resist inquiry into how that theology is working out in our home, our work-place, or our parenting. We may shower likes on blog posts where women share faults and failures as if they are badges of honor, but pass over an article or book that we fear may make us feel bad about ourselves.
We sometimes have a take the sugar hold the medicine approach to discipleship.
But this is not to our benefit. “Who is the friend who will be a real blessing to my soul?” asks Charles Bridges: “Is it one who will humor my fancies and flatter my vanity?....This comes far short of my need. I am a poor, straying sinner with a wayward will and a blinded heart, going wrong at every step.”
The authors of the epistles see our need. They don’t laugh off faults and failures. Rather, they repeatedly, relentlessly remind us that a life transformed by the gospel should look like it. They exhort us, by the grace of God and in reliance upon the Holy Spirit, to stay on course, press forward to maturity, and make progress toward the goal. And if we are to reach our destination, they tell us, younger women need to follow older women. (More to come on who these older women are, anyway. Not all of them have white hair.)
While it is a wonderful blessing to have friends to walk with us, we also need friends who have walked ahead of us. We need women who have weathered storms and passed landmarks of godliness to teach us how to make progress in our faith. We need godly, older women to help us reach our destination.
2013 at 7:31 pm | by Janelle Bradshaw
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52home
Caitlin asks: Can you elaborate more on teaching children “emotional self-discipline”? How do you train children to manage their feelings in a way that glorifies God? How early can this training start?
As usual, this is a vast and vital topic, but here are a few thoughts gleaned from Mom over the years.
First of all, emotional self-discipline or self-control is an important quality to teach children. This does not mean we train them to be stoic or unemotional. We teach them that feelings are a delightful gift from God, meant to be enjoyed, but also to be controlled. “A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls” (Prov. 25:28). Our job as parents is to help our children build those walls.
Example We must begin with example. From their earliest days, we can model self-control of our own emotions in our lives and in response to our child’s lack of self-control. So instead of panicking when they panic or getting angry when they scream, we demonstrate a self-controlled response to the situation. One of the most effective ways my parents helped my sisters and me to learn emotional self-control (still learning, by the way!) was to model a calm demeanor, and even an affectionate amusement at our melodrama. So if we overreacted to painless fall or harmless comment, they would lovingly joke with us and teach us to laugh at ourselves. By training us not to take ourselves too seriously, they were helping us build a protective wall of self-control against the flood of emotion that flows from innate pride.
Teaching In age-appropriate ways we must teach our children what God’s Word says about the importance of self-control. Memorize Bible verses (Prov. 25:28, 1 Cor. 9:24-27, Gal. 5:22-24, 1 Tim. 2:9, 2 TIm. 1:7, 2 Pet. 1:5-8). Make learning fun through family role play—acting out a right and wrong way to respond. And sing songs about self-control. To Be Like Jesus, the children’s album from Sovereign Grace Music includes two songs about self-control. Seeds of Character by Seeds Worship also includes great Scriptures set to song, including Galatians 5:16-22.
Discipline Obviously if a child responds with strong emotion that is angry or defiant in nature, this requires consistent, loving discipline as well as consistent training. Toddlers need lots of practice to learn self-control. We can train them by insisting on self-control before we give our children what they want. For example, they must stop crying or ask cheerfully if they want the toy, or they must stop screaming if they want to stay in the room and play. Teaching a small child emotional self-control usually requires several intense years of consistent training and discipline. But if we don’t give up, this training will yield much fruit in our child’s life.
Training Of course, in the beauty of God’s plan, each child is different, and some children are more emotional than others. For example, one of Janelle’s children used to struggle with frequent emotional outbursts that weren’t necessarily defiant in nature, but overly emotional given the circumstances. Janelle and Mike sought advice from Mom and Dad and came up with a plan to help their daughter grow in emotional self-control. When she would overreact, Mike and Janelle would calmly instruct her to place her hand on her mouth and quiet down. This simple, specific action helped her regain her composure and made self-control to an obedience issue. Then Mike and Janelle would explain what self-control should look like, and instruct her to remove her hand and respond in a self-controlled manner (e.g. asking kindly or playing cheerfully, etc.). While this took several years of consistent training, it was well worth it. Janelle’s daughter now displays the sweet fruit of emotional self-control. Our Goal: Protect and
Prepare Self-control protects and prepares our children. It protects them from unbridled emotions which can lead to sin and consequences, and it prepares them to handle the decisions and difficulties of life in a mature and godly manner. Training our children to be self-controlled requires perseverance, but let’s not grow weary in doing good (Gal 6:9). Let’s diligently help our children to build a strong wall of emotional self-control.
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